The Seven Deadly Words You Can't Say At the CDC
I want to tell you something about words that I think is important.
They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion.
I like to think that yeah, the same words that hurt can heal, it's a matter of how you pick them.
Remember Trump "knows words." He has "all the best words".
He never said he understood any of them. He "has" them.
He thinks he owns language. So his administration is banning certain words.
Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language
and there are 7 of them that you can't say at the Center for Disease Control.
What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad.
They'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large.
All of you over here, you 7, baaad words!
That's what they're telling us: "That's a bad word!"
No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions, BUT words!?!?
You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say in the CDC?
"diversity, transgender, entitlement, vulnerable, science-based, evidence-based and fetus"
Those are the heavy seven.
Those are the ones that'll infect your soul, curve your spine,
and keep the country from winning the war on drugs.
"diversity, transgender, entitlement, vulnerable, science-based, evidence-based and fetus," wow!
And "fetus" doesn't even belong on the list, y'know? Man!
It's such a friendly word.
It sounds like a nickname, right?
"Hey, Fetus, come here, man. Hey! Hey Fetus, meet Cletus, Zeus, Enos and Jesus. Rufus, Fetus. Fetus, Rufus."It sounds like a snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. But I don't mean your cannibal snack!
I mean New Nabisco Fetus!, and new Cheese Fetus, Pizza Fetus, Sesame Fetus, Onion fetus, Mexican Corn Fetus with Placenta!
But I mean, that word does not belong on the list.
Actually none of the terms belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there.
Fascists want to subvert reality.
I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like science-based and evidence-based .
Those are heavyweight terms. There's a lot going on there. Besides the literal translation and the clinical feeling. I mean, they're just busy words.
There's a lot of syllables to contend with.
And those "based"s, those are aggressive sounds. They just jump out at you like
"evidence-BASED, science--BASED, evidence-BASED, science--BASED."
It's like an assault on bullshit. REALITY-BASED. So I can dig that.
Diversity, transgender, vulnerable: nothing scares the villagers of Trump-ton like inclusion.
They don't want to contend with people who aren't like US,
or worse, responsibility to care for those who might be left behind.
Even the people who get that, some can't handle the implication that you have to include everybody.
There's some squeamish-about-sex-but-right-on-understanding-person who just can't handle transgender:
"I don't care what bit you put in what holes, but you want to shuffle the bits around, that's where I DRAW THE LINE"But of course there is no line to draw in inclusivity.
Finally, of course, "entitlement".
There's more accidental humor --
the most entitled people don't want the least to have any.
I don't wanna get into that now because I think it takes too long.
But I do mean that. I think the word entitlement is a very important word.
It's a basic right, yet it is a word we misconstrue to hurt one another quite often.
People much wiser than I am have said,
"I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people getting entitlements than two people trying to kill one another."I, of course, can agree. It is a great sentence, but I like to take it a step further.
I'd like to substitute the word Entitle for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with.
"Okay, Sheriff, we're gonna entitle you now, but we're gonna entitle you slow."
Those are the 7 you can never say at the CDC, under any circumstances.
You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even clinically.
I mean, it is just impossible. Forget those 7. They're out.
I'd like to suggest some euphemisms for the brave boffins of the CDC :
- Diversity -- multi-cultural, if anyone objects they can say
- multi-cultural is a variety of petri dishes, plenty of those at the CDC
- Transgender -- custom built gonadery
- it's just freedom of choice:
- hold the pickle, hold the testes, special orders don't upset these...
- havit your way, havit...
- Entitlement -- basic needs enabling life liberty and the pursuit of happiness
- -- essentials
- Vulnerable -- the meek
- Science-based -- reality tested
- Evidence-based -- truth sourced
- and Fetus, -- mature zygote
Of course, the administration is always looking for scape-zygotes, so those should be welcome.
(with apologies to Carlin, this satire-riff is my own, and all hail cable and streaming for giving us back: "Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.")
Labels: Broken News, Life Irritates Art, My Tasteless Opinions, Vague-a-ries
posted by Brian R Tarnoff @ 12:08 pm
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